Bummed…

I missed A in the A to Z meme last week, so I’m trying for B this week.

Bummed
I went to dictionary.com and looked up Bummed…you know I have to be totally informed. Of course, it doesn’t have bummed, instead it sent me to bum…too many definitions of that to post here. Then I found the one I was looking for: 

disappointing; unpleasant.

That’s how I’ve felt recently. Disappointed and unpleasant. It’s already August and it doesn’t feel like I’ve done much of anything all summer, even though it seems like I’ve been run ragged.

It’s like laundry or dishes…you know you did it, but there’s little evidence that it’s been done because there’s always more to do – and I truly think both laundry and dishes multiply like rodents.

I’ve posted on my blog before about my inability to trust others – or maybe it’s just myself I don’t trust. I don’t know. Somehow I am unable to make true friendships – deep ones, ones that allow you to call and just chat, or if there’s an emergency – to call in the middle of the night. I have a lot of surface friends-people I chat with online, or in church. I can smile and fake it with the best of them. What I WANT and I think what I NEED in my life is someone who can teach me how to deepen my relationships.

I don’t like to be vulnerable. It opens me up for hurt, and I don’t like to be hurt. Well, no one does, but I think I have a bigger aversion to it than others. But you know what I’ve found over the last few months…it hurts not to be vulnerable too. Why? Because I see all these people around me who have close relationships and I realize I don’t have that. I’ve never really had it.

The old adage – what you don’t know can’t hurt you – comes to mind. But I think it can and does.

So…wasn’t that an encouraging post? But you know what…I’m just being real, and I’m still bummed.

I hope your summer is going better and is far more productive than mine.

Blessings,
Ginger

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14 thoughts on “Bummed…”

  1. What a lovely, honest post. I went through a period of being afraid to trust as well. Especially as a pastor’s wife it’s hard to know who the real friends are and who the people are that will turn on you, but the older I get the more I’m able to read people. There are no guarantees of course, but I’m thankful for the few close friends I do have because I know I can count on them!

  2. I’ll tell you what helped me. After writing all about my problem of being real, etc., I realized my biggest issue was not trusting God. I mean, I said it with my lips, but didn’t really have any trust in my heart. I began really crying out to God, reading more of His word and basically saying I need help. I knew I couldn’t trust Him or anyone unless He enabled me to. What did He do to enable me to trust Him? His love. I studied all about His love, sang about it, prayed about it and slowly revelation of His great love for me began to chase away the false me.
    I’m enduring my greatest test now as my bff lies hours from death, a victim of cancer. She is the one I shared everything with. Will I shut down now or will I continue to trust God and know His Love will heal any hurts from trust and vulnerability? Stay tuned…

  3. Bummed….I love that you looked it up to be sure you thought it meant what you thought it meant. I do that too. Teehee. And you can call any time…for anything. 🙂

  4. Praying that you’re soon able to move from “bummed” to “better”, Ginger. God can use this time to strengthen you and prepare you for a way to use the growth. Thanks for your candid post. God Bless.

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