I’ve been struggling lately with fatigue. Not just lately, to be honest. It’s an ongoing battle. My physical fatigue has led to a spiritual fatigue.

Our church is in the midst of 21 days of prayer. Today is day 18. Almost to the end. This is the first time I have diligently applied myself to watch the services everyday. I haven’t always been awake at 6am, but mostly I have, and I have watched nearly everyday. Can’t remember if I missed one or not.

I want to share parts of my prayers—I write them to stay focused—over the last few days. Maybe they’ll help you a little.

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Papa, God, I pray to You in my ignorance, incompetence, uncertainty, and my sinfulness.

I bow before Your greatness, humble and awed by Your magnificence, and yet I know I can crawl into Your lap—mighty King that You are—and cry out my pain and feel Your comfort. Thank You that although You are God, King of kings, and Lord of lords, You are also my papa, who loves me like no other.

I’m sorry I disappoint You sometimes. I disappoint me too.

My thoughts are all over the place, God. Help me get a rein over them.

Phil. 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (ESV)

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And here’s today’s prayer. It’s raw and gritty, y’all. I’m laying it all out there, in hopes that it can help someone.

As a note, God doesn’t speak to me audibly. His responses are felt in my Spirit. They sound like my thoughts, but they are things I wouldn’t think, most of the time.

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It’s me, God. My relationships are in shambles because of me. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if I can.

There’s always a way as long as there’s breath.

Help me. Show me.

It’s not all on you. They have made choices too.

It feels like it is. I’ve made so many mistakes.

Not sin.

Mistakes just the same.

Best you knew.

But it wasn’t good enough. My best wasn’t good enough.

Adam & Eve sinned and walked away from Me and I am perfect. It was their choice. It hurts. I know. The pain of separation is hard, but they have to make the choice to look past your mistakes and accept that you are not perfect.

I want to be perfect.

[Holy chuckle] Not happening on Earth.

What about … (a different issue that I’m not willing to share here)

I’m working. You’re working. Trust Me.

I’m trying. I’m weary, God. So weary. I’ve been fighting battles my entire life. The biggest battle…me.

Everyday is a new day of hope, of grace, of mercy. You’re on the shelf, waiting. [This references God as the potter and me as the vessel being created, FYI] You’ve sown your seed, some good, some not so good. I have filtered out and protected. The good will grow. It’s being watered even now. You’re mine. As you’ve fought to remain in Me, I will fight for you.

When can I come home, Papa?

Not yet. You’re not done.

Is there ever a place that we are not attacked?

In heaven.

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I don’t share this for any reason other than to let people know they are not alone. The world is a troublesome place. Relationships are fraught with turmoil. We make mistakes—sometimes they’re sin, sometimes they’re just not the right thing. We need grace from God and from those we interact with. We also need to give grace.

I pray blessings on you and yours. I pray for grace in your lives, that you receive it but also give it. I pray for restoration. I pray for rest. In Jesus’ name.